It is crazy to me that 2018 is over, the past two years have been a blur, so many ups and downs. So much to take and so much to leave behind.
This year is the year where I finally let go of any expectations and plans that I had made for myself and let God take over. This post is a recollection of the year I had, the valleys and mountains that I walked through and the ways God showed through some of the hardest times I’ve had.
January-February
This two months were one heck of a low time for me, I had moved to Georgia with the goal to open a business with my dad, but all went as planned. Doors kept closing and I didn't understand why, I had worked SO hard to save money and be ready, but at the end of the day it wasn’t God’s plan. I was so upset, because I had put school in the back seat to make this happened. So when it didn’t I was pretty discouraged to what my next move was going to be.
March- April
I remember when I got to Arizona, drove 1,577 miles from Georgia. I was filled with anxiety and fear because for the first time I wondered if I was truly following God’s path or my own. When we first moved here and we hoped from hotel to hotel for a week waiting on the apartment to be ready, I remember sitting in the hotel, had just left GA feeling like I had no direction and just prayed. I prayed for God to take over I let go of the control that I kept on my life, the control that made me so unhappy and feel so unfulfilled.
May - June
As I settled in AZ and started to have a routine, I found myself empty. As much as I was working on following God and letting Him takeover, I found myself numb to the things that made me happy. For awhile I had been shutting away the feelings of hurt and sadness. And I began to realize that numbing those feelings, it also kept away the good ones. It didn’t matter that I was chasing the peace and joy of God, my life wasn’t in the direction that it needed it to be for me to achieve that. As you all know I had been on a very serious relationship for three years and this month was the end of it. The story to that is long and a story which I grew a lot from, but for respect I don’t want to give any details, but if you want to reach out I would love to share with you my story.
Anyway, ending the relationship was by far the hardest and scariest thing I have ever done.
July
As I was saying goodbye to the future I had planned for the unknown plans of God, for the first time in about a year and a half I began to feel hopeful about my future. I didn’t know what it would look like, but I knew God was in control of it and that's all I needed to know to have peace. July taught me to stay strong in that truth and lean on God’s promise to make it through. When I went to Mexico, for the first time in years I opened up to my mom and best friends about what was going on in my life (mostly my relationship.) I remember crying to my mom feeling so grateful for her support. Seeing non judgmental responses from my loved ones made me realize that they don’t care that I made a mistake, but they cared for my well being. By the end of the month I felt the most loved, because I didn’t had to carry my heavy luggage alone, but I had a community of friends and family that helped me carry it. Their love and the hope and faith I have in God carried me through.
August
Ahhh August! what a month! I literally can’t explain this month. I was so stressed out because I was having a hard time looking for an apartment to move to, I lost one of my closest friends that I loved dearly, and I was financially stressed. But the thing is I was also VERY happy, again it had to do with having peace by knowing that God would take care of me.
September - december
GOD IS SO GOOD! I have no words to express the good God did the rest of the year. I got hired by the most amazing company. Dutch Bros is by far the best job I’ve ever had. I get paid to love and serve people! So I didn’t just get an amazing job, but with it I got amazing friendships. The thing is I have been praying for relationships that go beyond surface level, relationships that begin with God. I can say that I found friends at Dutch that I consider family and that I know will be in my life forever (yes, Joce you are one of them!)
The other surprise was that I found my ultimate best friend, Scott. I have never been able to be my silly, goofy, crazy self with anyone like I can with him. Yes I am very silly and goofy most of the time, but believe it or not I am more embarrassing that you would believe and the best thing is that he doesn’t just accept that about me, he embraces it because he is just as weird. The other thing is that it is a relationship based on God, we both know that God is ultimately in charge and we want Him to lead us as we continue to grow together.
2018 really taught me to stay hopeful in the darkest times, to lean on God. Reassuring myself that God is for me and not against me, and that He was working and turning my life around for my own good. Now I understand why certain doors closed and why if I had walked though doors that weren’t meant for me it would’ve been much harder to find my way back to God. Sometimes you have to climb out the window to get out of the path the enemy was building and you blindly followed, but I learned that the good news is that the window, even tho its harder to squeeze through, once you are on the other side you find God and his grace.
This year I began to embrace all the feelings that I needed to feel in order to grow, I learned how to recognize and deal with my feeling instead of running away from them. I learned how important it is to have a small group of people you can confide in and lean on. I learned that it is OKAY to make mistakes, everyone has a different journey and making mistakes is okay, it doesn’t make you a bad person or a failure, it just makes you human. I learned that nothing is a mistake that all the valleys and mountains take you to where God wants you to be.
I know that 2019 will have its own valleys and its beautiful mountain views, so I will take it all in and be grateful for what it is to come. As I leave behind in 2018 the pressure to meet other people’s expectations. I am taking from 2018 and into 2019 a hopeful heart that there is always a better tomorrow.
